Harry Potter and the Obnoxious Whispering Ghost
“There’s a secret to life that everyone else knows but you” is a ghost that has haunted me for as long as I can remember. I can’t tell you where, specifically, this originated; what I can tell you is that there are people in my family tree who have struggled with this as well, some even expressing to me this exact wording. These thoughts, regardless of their veracity, have plagued me since childhood.
“That kid playing on the piano? Look how good she is. She probably just started yesterday. Unlike you, who hasn’t improved in years.” “No one else has ever missed a free throw; if you were worth anything, you could do it too.” Probably the weirdest one I remember was seeing E = mc2 for the first time, thinking “See, there’s that secret physics you don’t know, but It’s totally obvious to anyone who matters. I thought you were supposed to be smart?”
Not once did I think “oh, she must’ve practiced really hard” or “everyone makes mistakes” or “perhaps there’s some context that made relativity make sense, and discovering it was really something special which is why Einstein was a big deal”. Nope, just shame.
So why am I telling you this? I’m not fishing for compliments, and I’m certainly not claiming my life is harder than everyone else’s. I expect similar things have happened to you.
The reason I’m saying this is that I eventually did learn a way to combat these thoughts, and that involved a bit of self-awareness that I had not developed before. In 2016, less than a year into my marriage, it became obvious that I needed help. A difficult project at work had made me the specific target of an angry person, and even though I could prove that it was not my fault, I felt so deeply embarrassed that it was affecting me long after work hours and even after the project had concluded.
At the behest of my wife and friends at my church, I finally sought counseling, where these thoughts came to the surface, and I finally received both the validation that these thoughts were not trustworthy and some tools to combat these destructive cycles of thought. As I hinted, self-awareness was the key ingredient; my counselor had me record when I felt this way, what happened before I felt this way, and to examine how these thoughts and feelings measured up to reality. Finally, if I noticed myself sinking into the old patterns of thought, I had permission, blessing, and tools to arrest those thoughts, to interrogate them, and to redirect my brain toward something else. The downward spirals didn’t stop, but I finally had brakes to slow them down enough to choose a new direction.
It’s weird how minds can work that way. Your own thoughts do not act under your own direction— at least not completely. If our logical, conscious mind is the driver, our subconscious is not a car but a gigantic elephant, whose rider, failing to control it, will instead pretend that he himself had directed the course the elephant chose. It is not merely pride that deceives the rider; we have ridden these elephants since infancy, so we’re used to it to the point of blindness.
The Elephant in Your Brain
What does that have to do with the price of ads eggs? Everything, I’d say! It doesn’t take much to set our elephants off. You see, what gave the dark thoughts power in my mind was the perception of a threat. I felt threatened that I would be replaced by someone more talented or desirable, that I would be forever irrelevant. This perceived threat was enough to set my elephant on the warpath. I don’t believe I am unique in this; in fact, I don’t expect to have to look very far at all to find a similar example in you.
For example, if you check out your Facebook feed, what do you see? I’d bet you don’t have to scroll far to see people having it out at each other, or talking amongst themselves about how stupid or evil another individual or group is. This has already been a feature of our social media experience, and the current moment, a pandemic running amok over the land, serious economic hardships, and national elections in view, all of us are on edge and full of emotions. What’s that doing to our relationships? It’s not good. We are facing very real threats, but we are also facing threats that we’ve invented in our minds.
Consider the last Facebook argument you had. You see a friend say something completely stupid, or your friend tells you about something that someone else said. You’re furious. Or you’re scared. Either way, you’re worked up. Your elephant is ready to stampede. Are you in the best position to evaluate the right thing to do? Probably not. That’s when it’s time to step away from the keyboard and put the phone down. Take a moment, regain control, and then you can check if it’s true or decide what to do. It might take a few more minutes than you were planning to spend, but it may save you from hurting a friend or spreading a false rumor.
In the heat of the moment, it is very difficult to stop yourself and question what you’ve just read when you’re stirred up (so give yourself and your Facebook friends some grace here). Humans are bad enough at this even in classroom conditions. The math problems in the Cognitive Reflection Test are not very difficult, but your brain almost shouts out a wrong answer when it processes the question. The key is just to stop yourself for a moment, maybe write down the numbers, and the real answer can be deduced with relative ease. It is the same with the Facebook argument. Stop for a moment, get calm, and don’t let your elephant trample someone. And even if your “opponent” said something dumb, realize they also have an elephant in their brain and may not know how to deal with it.
What’s a time you’ve really let your subconscious get the better of you? Or what’s a time when you were able to catch yourself and keep from making a mistake? I’d love to hear from you in the comments or in my inbox.